It’s been a while since I have been on the blog and now feels like the perfect time to come back.
It is not that I have not had anything to write about, since becoming a mamma 4 months ago I feel more inspired creatively then ever before in so many ways. But rather the fact that I have not been able to clearly define in words the cascading emotions I have felt since. My usual vocabulary of adjectives has digressed, leaving me completely unable to adequately express myself. I feel bankrupt in the terms of defining how I am feeling and so writing has seemed well beyond my reach of something I can do, and do well. Oh the joys of “mummy brain”.
How can you fully express how much love you feel with a word when you are so stretched beyond anything you could once comprehend of what true unconditional love feels like?
How can you fully and wholeheartedly express those first few moments when you see your baby take their first breath?
No sentence I could construct, no matter how poetic could ever truly define that moment, I could never do it justice with words. However four months on I am feeling like now is the time to reopen the channels of expression and start to share from my expanded and broken open heart a little piece of my journey.
Birth is an initiation of the highest degree. My midwife who was the most honest and “no bullshit” kind of an angel said to me “Kate this birth will expand you in ways you have never thought possible. It will open you up and stretch you beyond your limits. It will take you to your breaking point and when you think that you cannot go any further, you will and that is where it starts. It can be hard, it can be challenging and it can be excruciating AND you can do it”. She was right.
But my initiation actually started at 8 months pregnant when I found out my husband has cancer. To say this would be a shock would be a complete understatement. It felt as though a hot knife was being pierced through my heart stealing the air out of my lungs whilst being kicked hard in the guts with steel capped boots. Never did I believe that it would happen and especially not to him. I mean come on; we choose to live our lives in a certain way to prevent these things from happening! HA! It’s the greatest cosmic joke, the irony of life. Yet it was terrifyingly real, confronting and pushed me to a place in myself where I had never before even dared to venture. It broke my heart.
I had to dig deep to muster every ounce of strength I had within me to get through those days watching him in Intensive Care unit being hooked up to every machine you can think of after having the malignant tumour removed from his body. I had to find a bravery and courage within me that I didn’t know existed to walk through those hospital halls everyday and try to find some light in all the overwhelming darkness. I had to seek discipline to avoid slipping into a victim mentality of “why me? why him? why us?” and hold a positive mental and emotional space to avoid falling down the steep incline of my mind to only wake up battered and bruised. I became determined not to lead from my wounds but to step out each day with complete acceptance and surrender.
Was I good at this? No, not really to be honest.
Was I successful at accepting each and every moment as pure divinity? Fuck NO I wasn’t.
Did I try my best? You bet your bottom dollar I did, with very inch of my heart.
The thing is though is this; this is life. This is what we all experience in various colours, shades, textures, patterns and stories. To think we are in control of certain aspects of our lives is foolish and naïve and in fact it is these moments that are undeniably crucial in our growth and expansion as human beings on this planet.
Why do some people get cancer and some don’t?
I had personal theories of this in the past having worked with lots of cancer patients in my career, all to be proven incorrect. But cancer is one small fraction of an experience that is possible for us to experience; there are endless encounters and scenarios that may happen as there are theories to try and decipher the “why’s”. One thing is certain no matter what the circumstances are; your perceptions change, perspective becomes crystal clear and the fragility of life reveals itself reminding us to make every second moment we are alive count in someway that is meaningful to us.
So having experienced all this before I went into my birth was intensely beautiful, challenging and quite surreal. The birth itself expanded me on all levels of my being. It felt like a bolt of lightening exploded inside of me and pieces of myself went floating all over the universe, never before had I been so open, so raw, so close to the true and purest nature of who I am as a woman. And being a mum, well, there is nothing quite like it. I am still figuring that one out, day by day. One thing is clear however, it is the greatest honour that has ever been bestowed upon me, a true blessing from God. It is the greatest thing I have ever done thus far in my life and having my husband beside me during the birth was an extra blessing.
You see we all have initiations. No one is exempt from them.
What I have been reminded of during my initiation is this…
This is the hero’s journey; the way we show up for ourselves and those around us that truly matter and have potential to make huge differences in this world. Birth and death are inevitable and come to all of us but LIFE is what we need to focus on, be grateful for and show up for day in and day out.
I feel more alive, more connected and more love then I ever have before and my promise to myself, my soul, is that whilst I am alive on this planet I will endeavour to live each day as deeply, as purposefully and as wholeheartedly as I possibly can. To find joy in the mundane, simplicity in the excessiveness of it all and love at the epicenter of everything I do
So from you I wonder…
- What do you feel defines you?
- What has been the most pivotal growth experience in your journey thus far?
- How are you showing up for yourself and others today?
Thank you for letting me share a small piece of my story. It feels good to be back here.
From my heart to yours