As I sit on the Nam Khan river in Laos outside Luang Prabang I am inspired to write again. It has been a while, well over a year has passed since I felt the need and desire to share through my writing. How good it feels to reunite to this space of clarity, expression and motivation, to connect the pads of my fingers with my beloved keyboard once again, dust off the cobwebs and listen to the gentle tap, tap, tapping that for so long was my happy place. It feels like home.
The past year of my life has been a exciting, challenging, raw and turbulent. A sleep deprived big beautiful mess of imperfection and absolute connection. I watched my husband journey through the cave of deep questioning and moment of truth that is cancer, we delivered our baby girl into the world which inevitably opened up my heart revealing a million tiny fragments of unconditional love that I didn’t know existed and welcomed me into the journey of motherhood. I released my first book (second baby), which felt like another birth unto itself and finally enabled me, through intense resistance and feelings of unworthiness, to stand in my power and come out of the spiritual closet publicly as a healer and teacher, a necessary and divine part of my life’s purpose. Alas I finally understand the old saying ‘let go or be dragged’ to be intently true! (I was dragged in case you were wondering and spirit insisted that I release the book, in all my humble human-ness I felt like I had no choice not to publish it). And somehow in amongst the creative vortex and navigation of motherhood I ran retreats, continued healing sessions, downloaded (via spirit) and recorded 26 new meditations, nurtured my team in Bali, traveled to Europe with a 5 month old to see clients and studied yoga for 12 hours a day for a month in Bali to become a yoga teacher, all while watching my husband get stronger each day on his own healing journey with a suckling baby at my breast (constantly I might add, always at my breast).
There have been so many realizations, new divine truths understood and lessons learnt and yet I could not even begin to share with you how much I have grown in amongst the challenges and the tangible love that cascades through every moment. But I will share with you one small piece that has become inevitably true in my life.
Life; is just one big flowing river.
Before having my daughter I worked a lot (‘too much’ one might say – but I cannot help it, it’s my passion) and wore so many different hats that were interchanged constantly throughout the day. I was the boss lady, the teacher, the therapist, the healer, the fun and extroverted friend, the dancer, the daughter, the wife, the writer, the yogini and so on. And I interchangeably felt all of these parts working through me at different times yet in some unseen and subtle undercurrent it, at times, felt separated from one another. It wasn’t until ‘mother’ was added into my repertoire of roles, so to speak, that I finally felt all of these parts of me emerging as one. It was as though all the little streams and creeks and facets of my being in all areas of my life converged into a big flowing river and the current took hold of me and there was no turning back.
I became fully embodied (pregnancy and birth does that – phew!) into who I am as a whole being here on this earth in a way that I have never felt before. And this transition has enabled me to show up in full presence to every single thing I do, not just bits and pieces of streams and creeks, but the full and flowing powerful river in all of its glory. And now like the ebbs and flows of Mother Nature herself I feel even more in tune with the mother Gaia and her incredible feminine energy and everywhere I go, she goes and I feel the river running through me at all times. Instead of doing pushing and pulling as I most certainly did in my past (naïvely trying to control all aspects of my life according to MY plan – ha! the great cosmic joke) I now let the river take me and I remind myself constantly I am a human being, not a human doing. I trust it will lead me to where I need to go.
So my friends are you flowing through your own life like a powerful and graceful river? What parts of yourself or sections of your life do you need to let go of in order to glide and ease through life instead of trying to force, push or pull? What will it take for you to join all parts of yourself and effortlessly flow like the river?
It feels so good to be back here, writing, present and sharing with you.
With Love from Laos,