“We always teach what we need the most…”
Before we dive into this topic let me give you a little glimpse into my background. I was a serious ‘people pleaser’ for most of my life and now a recovering addict of the ‘please disease’. I would go above and beyond to help other people and make them happy because I was under the illusion that is where my significance came from. My entire self esteem was based on how much I gave and what other people thought of me. I also had a hard time saying NO, and to be quite honest I still struggle with this from day to day. Boundaries were something that was foreign to me and it was only through a traumatic illness that I learnt how important they really are. I have also been a performer my whole life. My life was one big performance and if I didn’t get a standing ovation from my audience, praise and admiration from the people around me, I would slide into unhealthy thoughts of ‘not being good enough’ and feeling unworthy. I unknowingly gave all my inner power away to those people around me and always looked outside for my own self worth. It took me about 4 years of constant inner work until I discovered all this about myself as most of it was lodged in my subconscious mind; the part of the mind we are not totally aware of and believe me there were some nasty self limiting beliefs and old programs running in me that where not serving me in anyway. I knew something had to change, quickly.
This photo captured 5 years ago summed up my ‘people pleasing’ life perfectly, running from one thing to the other coffee in hand (Organic Soy Latte of course) not making any time for me.
I looked at my work and what I was doing and I was in complete service; empowering others and holding space for healing all of those around me in every way I knew how. The problem was I forgot about one person in the whole equation, ME.
I was giving out so much of my own energy and not focusing on my personal needs and desires at all. I ended up completely exhausted run down, broken on every level and suffered traumatic loss that broke my heart.
I knew there had to be another way.
The is the first time I really thought about the art of Self Care. It is something I have been sharing for years now, teaching people how to look after themselves and yet I still wasn’t truly nurturing myself on the level that my whole body, mind and soul deeply needed for repair and regeneration.
When I started to tune into this my whole life started to shift. I had to work through so many old belief patterns such as:
‘put other people first’
‘taking time out is selfish’
‘you must work hard always to be a good person’
‘keep everybody around you happy’
‘keep going no matter what’
‘you dont have time’
‘it’s my responsibility to heal the world’; just to name a few.
I had to go deep into my subconscious mind and also ‘re-wire’ parts of my biochemical makeup in my physical body to bring about change and it was then I realized I actually had no idea how to take care of myself and I needed to take time out and sit with myself and divinely listen to my mind, body and spirit so I could learn the art of Self Care.
Now when I do drink coffee (on random occasions) it’s in a much more relaxed and loving way with friends, I am never rushing and I take the time to enjoy every last sip!
What I learnt through this whole process of self-care goes far beyond booking in for a massage and having a green juice.
It is complete devotion and service to your mind, body and spirit.
It is nourishing yourself from a cellular physical level all the way up to spirit on a daily basis, acknowledging the mind, body and spiritual aspects of yourself.
It is about refueling your tank day in and day out to keep your vital force high, your connection to your inner wisdom strong and your cells healthy in everyway.
I always felt as though I was doing Spirit/God’s work through service to others and now I realize the entire picture; if you really want to serve Spirit/God then serve yourself.
It is the only way. [Tweet “The healthier, stronger, balanced and aligned you are, the more you have to give to others.“]
It MUST start with you.
I was chatting with a beautiful soul sister recently about all of this and I told her that I had booked a retreat for myself in the South of France. It is something that I have wanted to do for years now and I have been putting it off for various reasons and excuses. I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer as I had a deep pull from spirit to go there soon, very soon. So I just booked it and felt excited and scared at the same time. She said to me “I am so proud of you Kate. Imagine what’s going to happen now when you start saying “yes” to you’. These words resonated so deeply in me and so I ask you my friends;
What is going to happen if you start saying “yes” to you?
How can you show up for yourself? What does that look like for you?
What old beliefs or thoughts to you have that are blocking you from truly taking care of yourself? For example; I don’t have enough time, I don’t deserve it, I don’t know how, who will look after the kids etc. How are you going to TRANSFORM these?
How can you show yourself love on a daily basis?
What does your body need from you right now?
What does your mind need from you right now?
What does your soul need from you right now?
Please start your loving self care practice today. The world needs people that are fully aligned, balanced, happy, healthy, standing strong in their own power and realizing their own self worth. Believe it or not there is no one just like you on this planet so you have to take extra special care of yourself because my friend, you deserve it.
Please let me know your self care practices in the comments below and what changes you are going to make in your life to ‘say yes to you’.
With Love
“taking time out is selfish.” i think this is the belief pattern that i have worked with clients the most to undo. i always tell them that i see selfishness as a positive thing! this is an eloquent and beautiful post, kate, and your questions are transformative. i especially like asking your body, then your mind, then your soul (separately) what they need. thanks, and have a fabulous time in france!
Thank you April, I will 🙂
Love this. I’m currently going through the process of undoing patterns, beliefs and, and actions that were of service to others but was completely unraveling and draining me. It’s a painful yet liberatingly beautiful process. Painful because I’m not able to be there in the same way for people that I was before, yet liberating because I can literally feel weights being lifted off of my chest. Miss you Kate! xxx Erica
I am so happy to hear you are shifting gears but the secret is that feeling pain because you arent being there in the same way with people in only an illusion. When you fully show up to yourself with love, intimacy and devotion you show up in all areas of your life; especially those around you. You are amazing, I am so proud of you for doing this work. Love you xxx
Love the statement about nourishing yourself from a cellular physical level all the way up to spirit on a daily basis…I always take time to prepare healthy meals to nourish my body, but sometimes in the midst of juggling one too many things, I don’t take the proper amount of time to taste, chew, and savor the meal…my change in self-care related to this could be separating myself from all the distractions and really eating lunch mindfully. Thanks for the reminder to practice what I preach more often!
Chewing is the most imporant part of the meal 🙂 So glad you’re inspired to eat mindfully Stacey, your whole body will thankyou for it. Much Love xx
This is beautiful Kate. I can relate to this on so many levels. Abraham says “be lazy”. Our society generally doesn’t support this idea. I think “being lazy” allows more time for meditation, writing, self-care, enjoying the moment, less stress and less rush. I think we need to use the power of focus to bring things we need into our existence instead of “physically working hard” to get it. The thought of this excites me. Thanks for sharing your pearls of wisdom in such an honest way with so much love xxx you are an inspiration to me xxx.
That thought excites me too and it is totally possible. Drop the ‘doing’ and step into the ‘being’. You are an inspiration to me. Love you xx
Such an inspiring read Kate! I recently started to ask myself the question “What makes me feel truly alive?” and to live my life according to that every single day. It makes such a difference and like you wrote, you can only give what you have within you. It’s not always easy to to it, but we always have a second chance to change. Thanks for sharing this post, it made me smile while reading 😉
Thank you for sharing your story. My own is similar. I had a total breakdown and suffered a terrible loss and a broken heart by trying to please others and putting them first. I have recovered and now that the depression and anger phase has passed, I have learnt that I can put my own needs first, but still be kind. I am learning to negotiate, or simply saying no, when I want or need to. Very empowering and I find that not only do I respect myself more for it but others do too! And for anyone that doesn’t, I really don’t care!
Love these words. Thankyou for sharing xxx
This came at the perfect time as I’ve worked around the clock for months and feel so soul-depleted in an effort to build/provide/’succeed’. I have told myself my big hope for 2016 is to have more fun! Your story inspired me so much. A retreat in France – bring it on! You deserve every second.
Love to you, P and R.
x